What's That You're Spamming?

                            - - - scoffing in the face of spam


About the following:

My Internet service provider is quite good at screening most unwanted advertising from alt.appalachian,  my "home" newsgroup, but some  --especially when posted by misguided individiuals--  do get through.

One way to deal with these people is to write an angry letter demanding an apology and a promise never to post "spam" in the newsgroup again.  Responding with a little humor is more fun for me, and for what it's worth, I haven't seen any of these people back in alt.appalachian:
 

<email address deleted> wrote:
 
>Hybrid seeds aren't going to work in the long run.  That's for sure.  I'm
>preparing for Y2K and also happen to be an avid gardener.  I discovered a
>few years ago that if you want to save your own seeds you MUST use
>nonhybrid varieties.  Hybrids are only intended to produce 1 season of
>reliable fruit.  Anyway, I found a great place for beginners and more
>experienced gardeners who are preparing.  They have tons of free info on
>nonhybrids, seed storage as well as the best prices I've seen on seeds. 
>They include enough to hold back 25% for disaster storage.
 
>[Commercial site's URL deleted]
>Hope this helps,
>[Name deleted]

Seems innocent enough, one somewhat paranoid gardner reaching out to others of like mind, right?  But if you went to the advertised site what you found was a very slick commercial presentation.

So I responded:

I have a seed question only first I have something to tell you about which I need to get off my chest first.

And that is I seen your ad in one of the Appalachian groups, and I think it is the worst kind of ad on account of you want everybody to think you are just a regular twit which don't know a real ISP from that AOL, when you are really the kind of a twit which tries not to look like he is selling something when he is.

Though I do not know for a fact you ain't dumb enough to think AOL is a actual internet provider as there ain't nothing in your letter to prove otherwise.

But even if you are dumb enough to think that, it is wrong of you to think the rest of us can't tell you are just one more salesman who would probably sell his first born for the right commission.

Now here is my seed question.

I have so far not been all that able to make out what all the Y2K fuss is about, except there is people who claim because computer memory was in short supply thirty years ago the world is a coming to a sad end in about eleven months.  Such a end does not seem scriptural to me, but then I never was able to make head nor tail out of the Book of Revelations no ways and who am I to say John the Baptist wasn't foretelling a computer memory shortage when he wrote all that down?

It is a fact some a them images in Revelations make me think about Bill Gates.  Having lots of faces and all that kind of a thing is what I mean.

Every day when I go to the cemetery I am sorry my wife Maude is not here to explain this to me because she was awful good at reading things out of Revelations.  She could probably have told me if there was computers in Revelations.

The cemetery is where Maude and Glory Jane Rutherford got together when they run off to find themselves, though you couldn't tell just by looking that either one was lost, and if Maude wanted to go off looking for most anything I would not of give her a hard time about it.  I would of even give her a ride to the cemetery and then she would not had to of sunk my truck all the way up to the axles on her way to search for whatever she has lost.

I do not understand it...  Glory Jane took her middle boy Frank's little Myata car and it didn't sink into the mud, and I would not think it could of got away the way it did when a six year old four wheel drive Ford dug itself so deep.

Maybe what Maude is off looking for is a tow, though I doubt it.  Anyway I am down at the cemetery every day for a week now a trying to dig that thing out and I figure two more days ought to do it.

Unless it rains or snows again which it ain't supposed to but what with El Nino who knows?  Revelations maybe, but like I said, studying on that don't do me much good.

But I am a rambling here like a old man will who lately has had enough shoveling mud to do him for the rest of his life so here is my question about Y2K and non-hybrid seeds and the rest of the things you talk about in your misplaced advertisement.

My girl Frieda May and that thing she is married to got onto a good thing with stuff called sensemya, something like that.  It is a herb from Mexico which you wouldn't believe the demand for because Frieda and That Thing have only been growing it four years and have almost paid off their double wide already.

And that it ain't a cheap double wide but a fancy one with mirrors everywhere and even come fully furnished.

As I said I ain't all that worried about the end of the world on account of computer memory thirty years ago but in this day and age nobody can be too sure of nothing.  For who would of thought six months ago Newt Gingrich would today be looking for work?  And if the world as we know it is coming to a bad end soon I need to make sure Frieda May and That Thing have a supply of seeds that will still grow after all the computers blow up only I can't find sensemya listed in none of my seed catalogues and wonder do you stock any?

For as good as Frieda and That Thing have made out with sensemya plants I do not see no reason to think the demand will go down just because wrecked computers end up a laying every which way you look.

Because if good seed can't be got for them kids guess who is pretty sure he'll have to make payments on a double wide which he don't live in and don't hardly even visit because of the rude mouth on That Thing?

I will wait to hear from you and will hope you don't post no more really stupid ads in the newsgroups.  Does your mama know you are acting that way?

By the way, if the world ends how Rev. Watley says it will (his way don't say nothing about computer memory), no offense but you are going to look up and find yourself being slapped silly by the Lord for a dirty lying dog which ain't got no respect for the brains of others.

No offense.

This next guy had a real estate pitch:

<email address deleted> wrote:

 
>Hometown Real Estate Services specializes in relocations to East
>Tennessee.  Member of Realtors and MLS.  20 years experience.  We would
>appreciate an opportunity to be of service to you.  Thanks.
 
>[Commercial URL deleted]
 

Dear Hometown Realtors:

Now if this ain't one a them weird cosmic confluences I don't reckon I ever seen one.  As a matter of fact, me and mine are thinking of moving to East Tennessee, and actually just spent some time talking about doing so the very day we seen your ad in one a them Appalachian newsgroups, in which I wouldn't put a ad there again because people who hang around that particular type newsgroup are a wild and wooly hacker sorta bunch I wouldn't personally place above filling your emailbox with weird things I wouldn't want to have to look at.

Enough of that though.  We were talking about maybe moving.

For a time we have lived at a pretty nice place in Kentucky, only we are probably going to move on account of the helicopters, which lately around here are thick as dragonflies at a July pond.  I mean, here it is January and God knows ain't nothing growing nowheres, but them things still buzz us, two, three times a day.  Y'all don't have that problem down there do you?  We didn't till they put in a local state police commander of the type my daddy would of called over-zealous.  And if you think two or three a day is bad, come around the right time of year and you'd think they was making a Rambo movie somewhere close by only I don't think they ever will.

Nothing like that around here at all, just us entrepreneurial free lance creative farmers.

I know the questions that normally get asked of people like you from people like me  (people who need to relocate across a state line just as quick as they can if you get my drift),  only we don't care nothing about most of what you probably think I do.

We don't, for one, give a rap what churches you got in the area because my wife claims to be a Wiccan.  Between you and me, if you was to tell me there ain't no helicopters in a hundred miles, but if you got a congregation of that in your area I won't be moving to East Tennessee even if you promise every tree sheds leaves of gold.  She got into that Wiccan stuff a long time ago with Randall Johnson's eldest, Boyd Lee, who don't want to be called Boyd Lee no more, says he's "Faust Diabolique, Disciple of the All Seeing."  That all seeing  part is a real knee slapper if you ever seen Boyd, who wears glasses so thick you'd need a higher caliber than .22 just to crack them.

My wife's new name by the way is "Rising Phoenix Soars in Grace."  I don't never say that whole thing, but only call her by her initials, which aggravates her something fierce, only I don't care nothing about that.  She's even started answering back about half the times I call, even though she claims it embarrasses her at the grocery for other people hear me a shouting "Arpy Sig!  Arpy Sig!  Two percent or whole?"

Nor do we care about schools 'cause the kids is grown, which is a lucky break for whatever schools you do have.  No, it is just our little family bidness to wonder and worry about moving.  On account of it's agricultural in nature it ain't no difference about churches and schools but I need to know all I can about helicopters.

Also if it's any trouble to get some real strong electricity run out to a private residence, something on the order of a 440 service, say.

And you really don't have them damn helicopters, right?

Nor ordinances against a feller keeping oh, two, three pit bulls or rotweillors?  They are good company and a comfort for any mind-your-own-bidness type of farmer out toiling in his fields, don'tcha find?

Of course it'd be good if you could offer reassurance me and mine wouldn't be alone in your area, that there are other folks very strongly interested in hydroponics and alternative crops and that kind of thing.

I will wait to hear from you on account of one more time, if I were you, I wouldn't post no more of them rude spamming advertisements in the Appalachian newsgroups.  No telling what'll end up in your mailbox.

      "Squid"  just wanted to sell a roof rack to fit on a Honda automobile, but he posted his ad in the wrong place:
Squid wrote:

 
> Used Thule roof rack system FOR SALE.
> Parts fit any newer honda.
> Including all parts and keys SKI and MTBike Racks
> Picture available if needed.....
> about 3 years old
> PRICE:
> make an offer
> Shipping will be expensive so it is not all included...
> I will pay part of the shipping depending on how much it is!
 

Dear Mr. Squid:

I am sending you this note as I am interested in your FOR SALE rack, the Tool one.

My Honda is a 1964 305 Dream, with fairing and them hard shell plastic saddlebags they used to make so there ain't too much place to put other stuff.  Will it fit without too much drilling?

I notice in your ad which you ruther dumbly put in alt.appalachian, which even I know better than to spam to, on account of for all I know your mailbox might fill up with letters and stuff that ain't a serious offer to buy your tool rack, them people being what they are and all.

Which this ain't, only I need to know if your Tool rack will fit.

By the way, that "picture available" made me wonder...  None a my business, but ain't you afraid of catching something from women you meet on the internet?  My cousin Rufus Edward never worried about catching stuff when he was meeting women on the net, and look what happened:  he caught his wife Ethel June.

And you left a digit out of your age in your picture offer.

Unless you are one of them sorts over which Congress is forever aflutter.  Which I would keep to myself if that's the case and I was you.

I hope the PRICE you ask to make an offer ain't Elmer Price's boy Melvin.  Not for nothing do they say of that  one "The truth ain't in him."  I would say you'd be well advised at the very least not to take no checks off of Melvin, no matter what he offers.

That's if the PRICE is him and not his brother Donny, who is a preacher.

And honest besides.

But my own self, I wouldn't even take cash from Melvin without I knew right where he got it.  The boy ain't above doing tricks with the new color copier down to the library, if you get my drift.

Anyways I will wait patiently to see about what you say regarding fitting your Tool kit on my Honda which is, I repeat one more time for your convenience a 1964 305 Dream. I am working regular with Rufus Edward at the mobile home factory where you don't dare leave even so much as your hammer a laying around after your shift, not even locked in your locker, for there are people in that place who would steal pennies off a dead man's eyes as they say.

Which I ain't ever seen personally, and always wonder why they say that but I notice this letter is stretching out like a nightcrawler on a hot rock.

So enough of that.

What it is, is them hard shell saddlebags I mentioned is already so full I can't hardly get even my hammer into them, but if your kit is big enough for skis a hammer and a lunch box and a hard hat ought to fit, wouldn't you say so?  I am also about to commence going steady with Ruthie Witherspoon is why the ski thing caught my eye.  Her daddy's bass boat has a two hundred and some horse Merc on it only I happen to already know Ruthie don't fish and she ain't so big but what I bet that Merc could drag her right along, on skis.

If I had skis.

Which I will get some of if your tool kit will fit my 305.

Thank you.

Then another guy stuck his ad for a telescope into alt.appalachian.  I ran across it right after a contributor who didn't know the difference between civil discourse and self-righteous ranting called me a "drugstore Appalachian" with no real understanding of the region or culture.

<deleted@mailtag.com> wrote:
 
> Telescope
> Meade Model:  175C  (2.")  Altazimuth Refracting Scope
> Tripod, 3 eye pieces, x3 barlow
> in excellent condition, with manual.
> Asking  $45.00 + shipping firm.
 

Dear Mr. [deleted] at Maytag:

Are them washers and dryers really as good as that guy with the hound dog kind of a face used to claim on the television ads before he died?  Ha ha.ha.

Just a little joke to say hello.  I am the sort of feller which is always joking around.

But I am very serious about being interested in the scope which you advertised in one of the Appalachian news groups.  Only if I was you I wouldn't advertise nothing else in there because them people are bad to contact ISPs about ads and stuff and complain and cause all kinds of trouble.

Why I am interested in it is I never heard of one only two inches long, which will work pretty good, I would think, for setting in the Veteran's Park and studying the comings and goings on at Scrugg's Pharmacy, which this one feller which is new in town has got me and some others a watching close on account of he claims there are people in that place which don't understand us and our way of life and ways of thinking a'tall.  The Scruggs Pharmacy folks pretend to be like us, only they are actually a trying to turn over everything to liberals and Washington and Fabian (who I never knew was anything but just some old singer I never could stand but I remember when my sister had his picture on her bedroom wall) and other liberals, who have took over our drugstore.

And it is a mess.

I thought we ought to let Rudy Scruggs know what is a going on in his place, but this new feller in town says no, Rudy is in on it.  And so are all them old women who are mostly what walks in and out of there all day, except the one of us that has field glasses claims he seen Truman Wilson's second oldest boy buying some Trojans in there the other day.

We are a watching day and night but as you may guess we got to be careful, and so we watch from two blocks away, at the Veteran's Park which was just a vacant lot before the American Legion Post put a park bench and a trash can and a flagpole on it two years ago.  And we are doing this thing right, let me tell you.  We call ourselves "Soldiers in the Army of the Lord," and have all of us took Bible names, which I wanted to be Zeredathah but Grover Hall ("Esau"), who keeps our watch schedule said not to because he'd have to keep looking up how to spell it.

So now on our watch list I am Festus, and I'll tell you this much, Festus don't understand why Esau won't share his damned old field glasses but he won't and so I was going to buy me my own set, which I can get for pretty cheap out to the Walmart, and never thought of no telescope on account of I figured they'd be too expensive and too big till I seen your ad (which again, I wouldn't put in the Appalachian news groups no more where it don't belong).  But since yours is only two inches I am interested after all.

And besides, Walmart don't include pocket knives with their field glasses.  Which reminds me to ask how long the blades are on a x3 Barlow?

Please send details about your two inch telescope like how big around is that thing and about the knife.  But don't put it in no Appalachian newsgroup.

Well that is all and I will let you get back to your washers and stuff.  Ha ha ha

Your new friend

Festus
 


 
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